Anger is as useful as it is intense.  In fact it can lead to the deepest insights and potential for change than perhaps any other emotion.

Anger points us to what matters.  It urges us to take action to become more aligned with our values.  In many cases, urging us to speak up, take a stand, and be counted once and for all!  Honouring our anger peacefully and assertively can be liberating.  When we become aligned with our truth and values, we reclaim our personal power – which is based in courage (not power over others which is based in fear).

What is the message behind anger?
Anger alerts us to maintain or restore proper boundaries.  Boundaries are our values / needs – such as our need for respect, or honesty, or safety, or contribution, and so on.  Questions we could ask when a boundary is crossed are:  “what needs to be protected,” and “what needs to be restored?”

Anger you feel when others are incongruent
Highly sensitive people can experience anger in the presence of someone who is incongruent.  In this case, the anger is an alarm that lets us know when we are interacting with a person who is not what s/he appears to be, who is in fact wearing a mask of happiness, friendliness, courage or control when s/he is actually feeling aggressive, fearful, sad, etc.  The most efficient way to read the message behind anger is to first check if someone has stepped over a boundary.  If not, then the person may simply be incongruent.  By asking the question, “What is the emotion behind the mask, and is it directed toward me?”  we may determine whether the person is hiding something in order to take unfair advantage of us, or if s/he is simply sad (angry, fearful) for  personal reasons and doesn’t want to bring it up in a social situation.  In the case of the latter, the anger often dissipates when we notice the incongruity and realise the person has the potential to act unpredictably because of a conflicted emotional state.  In the case of the former, the anger will not lift until we take more specific action to protect ourselves.

Emotions that are not yours
Emotions are contagious.  If you cannot get to the source of the anger, and you were not feeling angry until you interacted with others, the anger you are feeling may not be yours.

Ineffective strategies for dealing with anger
Most of us have never been taught what this important emotion is trying to tell us, let alone how to express it and work with it.  When we openly expressed anger at an early age, we were most likely told that we were being inappropriate.  Consequently we developed strategies that were ‘socially acceptable.’  We learned to:

• Ignore it
• Suppress it
• Project it – blame others (including ‘taking it out’ on innocent others)
• Mask it (as sadness or grief)

None of these strategies work in the longer term, and left unchecked, they can intensify and sabotage us.

Working with anger

1. This fiery emotion can cause a chemical release that temporarily shuts down our rational, thinking brain for a period of time – the length is dependent on a number of factors such as the intensity of the emotion being felt.  This period is known as the refractory period.  During the refractory period, pause and do not react.
2. To help return to mental clarity, focus on the breath, or move: take a walk, remove yourself from the situation, spend time in nature, clean the house…
3. Name your emotion and notice it’s sensation in your body.  Once you experience a strong emotion, the best way to ensure it doesn’t intensify is to acknowledge (or name) the emotion and feel it – without judgment.  This may initially be unpleasant, but it will diminish.  (Just like children who want to get your attention, their behaviour will continue to get worse until you pay attention.)
4. Own it (keep to “I” statements and do not blame others – eg. “I feel really angry because I think I have the right skills and I want to be included in the project”).
5. Ask where or why you needed boundaries.
6. With returned mental clarity, diminished emotional charge, insights to what boundary needs to be restored or maintained, you can take peaceful, assertive, and appropriate action.

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Emotional intelligence – our ability to manage our behavior, navigate social complexities, make personal decisions, and influence others for beneficial outcomes – is commonly accepted as a key indicator of professional (and personal) success.

Here are 6 more reasons to improve your emotional intelligence

Emotions are:

1. Not private – no matter how hard we try to conceal our emotions,  our faces and body language convey our emotions
2. Contagious – others will catch our emotions (this is directly proportional to how much others perceive us to be important to their well-being)  – this is especially important for leaders to understand
3. Necessary to make decisions – we literally cannot make decisions if our thinking brain is cut off from the limbic system (emotions)
4. Messages from our bodies about our internal and external environment that can help us make better choices
5. Persistent and will ‘plague’ us until we acknowledge them
6. Controlling us when they are subconscious (ie. we are not aware of them; they are suppressed or ignored)

Emotional intelligence can be learned
“But,” says Daniel Goleman, psychologist, author, and leading expert in the field of emotional intelligence, “the process is not easy.”  Research indicates that emotional intelligence is best learned through practice and feedback.  Goleman says most training programs target the area of the brain that governs analytical and technical ability.  Since emotional intelligence is governed by another part of the brain – the limbic system, this approach can actually have a negative impact.

Working with the horses provides an intensive learning laboratory to practice, which combined with their unfiltered, immediate, and undeniable feedback, accelerates our learning and development of emotional intelligence.