Why power over others can’t work
we are hard-wired to resist others’ attempts to control us
Autonomy is one of our most primal and powerful needs – from young toddlers when we want to experience more independence; to defiant children protecting our beloved independence; to teenagers rebelling against authority; and all the way into our twilight years we still cherish our autonomy – even when we are unable to care for ourselves. And why not? We are each sovereign beings and there is no higher authority over us than ourselves. The U.S. Declaration of Independence says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident … that they (the people) are endowed … with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are …liberty…” In other words, it’s a given that the right to liberty (freedom, independence, autonomy) among other rights, cannot be surrendered, sold or transferred to someone else. We are actually hard-wired to resist anyone who tries to exert power over us. So understandably, attempts to control others provokes resistance, resentment, rebellion, violence, and so on.
And yet, the culture of most organizations – business, community, government – including families, is still based on command-and-control norms. Given the innate need for autonomy that each of us has, attempting to control others to comply with us is irrational, ineffective and more often than not, it achieves the opposite.
How do you know if you are operating within a command-and-control framework? Can you accomplish your goals without using your authority, rank, or position? If you had no power, would you still be able to operate the same way and get the results you want?
Making demands on others is a typical behavior of command-and-control leadership. When we make demands on others, no matter how subtle, polite or discreet, we might as well be shouting, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.” Even when we cleverly package our demand – it will be seen for what it is – a declaration that you don’t care about the other person.
At best, a demand might ‘get the job done’ in the short-term. But what is the price? When making demands on others, they are likely to:
- Become resentful, resistant, and reluctant
- Put in the minimum effort only
- Be less innovative and resourceful
- Undermine us later – whether consciously or not
- Be more concerned about their own self-preservation
- Perpetuate this style onto others
- Not care at all about us and what matters to us
So making demands will not produce high performing teams or engaged communities.
How do we know when we have made a demand? Even when we ask, our request could still be a demand. One way to tell is if we experience any of the above behaviours. Our response when the other person shows resistance is the real test. If we react with more force, we are demanding. However it might be hard to spot resistance in a command-and-control culture where people are accustomed to complying.
By taking an open, collaborative approach such as being curious about the other person’s needs – what is behind their resistance, understanding their perspective, they are more likely to:
- Trust us
- Put in more effort than we asked for
- Fully express their ideas, creativity, and
resourcefulness
- Be loyal and supportive
- Learn and behave by our example
- Care about what matters to us
It’s hard to escape the command-and-control leadership style’s historic influence and dominance, but we can make a positive change by becoming consciously aware of the times we assume and use authority over others, and treating their views as relevant.
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Grounding shifts our brain waves to alpha – increasing awareness and creativity
Before we enter the horses’ space, we always do a brief 3-minute grounding – usually by noticing our breath, heartbeat, and what we can sense and feel. As we become present and still, the horses always reflect this shift by becoming still as well. Grounding increases our awareness and we have more access to what we are perceiving in our environment.
What is actually happening is that we are shifting our brain waves into a range that relaxes the mind.
Our brain waves correlate to our levels of awareness. When we are thinking, analysing, and planning, our brain waves are usually in the beta range (13-40 Hz). The more busy our mind is, the less expansive our awareness becomes. When we relax our minds but are still alert, our brain waves are in the alpha range (8-13 Hz). In this range, we become more open, less worried, and we are more aware of subtle information.
When we want to be more creative and open to information and possibilities, it is helpful to shift into the alpha brain wave state. We can do this by becoming present and grounding ourselves.
Try this before starting a meeting, or making a phone call, or having a difficult conversation, or working on a project that needs a new and clear perspective!
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Tip from the horses!
“if you don’t care as much about me as you do about your goal, I am not moving. When your awareness of me and my needs slips, I can’t trust that I am safe with you.”
When we demonstrate that we genuinely care about others’ well-being, they are more willing to cooperate to help us achieve our goal.
The ultimate test is when someone important to a successful outcome of your goal, gets caught up in their own needs, or makes a mistake. How you handle this will determine how genuine you really are about their well-being. If your goal becomes a priority over their well-being, they won’t trust that they are safe with you and you may find that you have created an even bigger set-back.