One morning minutes before a client was to arrive I found Finn – our 5-month-old orphan foal, stuck against the fence.  In equine circles, this is referred to as being cast.  When a horse becomes cast, it may feel entrapped and unable to regain its feet and can panic. As it flails and struggles, it can injure itself and the struggling horse can also hurt anyone who comes near.  This is not just a good time to become neutral, it’s critical for the safety of the cast horse and helping humans.  Situations like this have taught me the power of being neutral.

The story we give to a situation creates our emotional charge

We are instinctively good at staying neutral when a child falls down and runs to us bleeding.  We don’t panic and scream “you’re bleeding to death,” but rather we stay calm and focus on what needs to be done. We could all be more peaceful, content, and less stressed if we could remember to be that way and stay neutral in any challenging situation.  It is the story we give to it that creates our emotional charge.  Take traffic jams for example.  A traffic jam is just a traffic jam. It is neutral.  It just is.  Ask 20 people what they felt during a traffic jam and you are likely to get 20 different responses from angry, frustrated, anxious, annoyed, to unaffected, peaceful, and relaxed – depending on what they were thinking and where they were going.  For example, someone who is running ahead of schedule and doesn’t want to arrive too early might welcome the delay caused by the traffic jam, while someone who is on their way to attend an interview might feel anxious about missing a job opportunity.

Being neutral keeps us open and present

Being neutral does not mean being detached, complacent or passive.  It means being present to what is happening without limiting outcomes through judgement and stories.  Thinking about what could happen puts us in the future, or thinking about what should have happened shuts us down from seeing new possibilities.

Shifting into neutral

It’s nearly impossible to shift from feeling angry to feeling peaceful.  The gap is usually too big.  But it is possible to recognise that it’s our story we tell about the situation that creates the emotional charge.  With this awareness, we can choose to let our story loosen its grip and slip into neutral.

Having a neutral perspective is a higher state of consciousness

A neutral perspective instantly expands our awareness, creates a space for possibilities to emerge, and aligns our emotional resonance with Nature.  The reality we experience can only match our resonance.

Neutral = grounded and centered

A neutral perspective keeps us in balance, and we can stay grounded.  It’s from this mental and emotional centre that we have access to all our resources and wisdom to make better choices and take appropriate action for our highest good.

Here is Finn minutes after I helped him move away from the fence!  He doesn’t seem to have a problem with staying in neutral!

In his TED talk, Simon Sinek shares his insight that leaders who inspire action, think, act, and communicate in a way that is the complete opposite to the rest of us.  He explains that inspiring leaders understand why they do what they do – why does it matter.   He says “Inspired leaders act from the inside out.”  What I love about his talk is that his perspective is yet another example of the importance of leading from the heart, and how we communicate our message is significant.  Sequence matters.

We are drawn to leaders that are good at communicating what they believe

When we are aligned with what matters, we reach states of higher coherence: a synchronisation of our physical, mental and emotional systems. It can be measured by our heart-rhythm patterns – the more balanced and smooth they are, the more in sync, or coherent, we are.  The electromagnetic field created by these systems affects everyone around us.  Since everything in nature seeks balance, people (animals and nature, too) are drawn to those who are highly coherent.

Biology counts

Inspiring others to action means they have to make a decision.  The work of neurophysiologists, Antonio Damasio and V.S. Ramachandran, whose detailed study of damage to key areas of the brain, has established that we literally cannot make decisions without emotions.*  When we communicate to others from “the inside out,” we’re communicating directly to the part of their brains that influences their decision-making.

Sequence matters

Sinek noticed that communicating what matters must come first.   Sinek uses Apple Inc. to illustrate his point – because of their ability to remain one of the most innovative companies year after year, and their uncanny ability to attract a cult-like following:  if they were like everyone else, their marketing message would sound like this: “We make great computers.  They are beautifully designed, simple to use and user friendly. Want to buy one?”

However, the way they actually communicate starts with ‘why,’ and their message might sound like this:  “Everything we do, we believe in challenging the status quo.  We believe in thinking differently.  The way we challenge the status quo is by making our computers beautifully designed, simple to use and user friendly.  Want to buy one?”

When we inspire others (or ourselves) to action, it starts with why – the emotional component of the decision.  Perhaps this is what we mean when we talk about winning hearts and minds.  The heart represents the limbic, feeling part of the brain, and the mind is the rational language center.  Given the natural order of decision-making, perhaps the expression, “winning hearts and minds” is not a coincidence.  Why do we not set out to win minds and hearts?”

Sinek says, “the ability to win hearts and minds is not easy – it’s a delicate balance of art and science.”  Here is another example of how our language indicates that sequence matters.  Why is it that things are not a balance of science and art, but always art before science?  Perhaps we intuitively know that the art of leading is about following your heart!

* The limbic system controls the emotions and essentially decides which of our perceptions are of emotional importance and will be acted on.  If the connection between the cortex and limbic system is damaged, we lose our ability to set priorities and alternative courses of action can no longer be sorted for emotional significance.  The intellect is functioning perfectly, however we are incapable of making decisions.

How neurobiology can enhance our emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a complex set of competencies, and according to learning experts, “developing these competencies usually involves a long and sometimes difficult process requiring much practice and support.”

However, given what we now know about our neurobiology, we can direct our focus onto a single, critical point that automatically engages our emotional intelligence skills which leads to more creativity, higher performance, improved health, and more fulfilling relationships in all aspects of our lives! In a nutshell, we can and must become sensitive and responsive to our need for safety, and focus on how we can contribute to others’ safety.

Safety is more than the absence of physical danger

Safety also relates to our ability to have choice, our sense of belonging, our need for contribution and sense of self-worth, our need for affection, and so on.  According to Dr. Stephen Porges, author and Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and the Director of the Brain-Body Center in the College of Medicine at the University of Illinois, “the human nervous system is on a quest for safety, and we use others to help us feel safe.”

Our brains are wired for vigilance

There is a part of the brain, the amygdala that acts as a sentinel, continuously scanning our environment 24/7 for threats. It is our ancient hair trigger that immediately signals another part of our brain at the smallest sign of a threat, which then creates a cascade of bio-chemicals to heighten our awareness and energise our bodies in the fight, flight, or freeze response.  The amygdala functions the same way today as it did ten thousand years ago.  It doesn’t differentiate between physical threats and perceived, symbolic threats.  Social threats trigger it in the exact same way predators triggered it in the past.

For many of us, perceived threats occur on a daily basis.  It could be a disgruntled customer, a disagreement with a spouse, an unexpected bill, an unfavourable performance review …

When the amygdala fires, the brain reprioritises information, and shifts its focus on the perceived threat which mobilises us to act.  In this state of response, our focus is narrowed, and our other ‘non-essential’ faculties are diminished.   For example our digestive system is compromised.  The body is not interested in digesting when it might be the one that gets digested!

Safety starts with us

If we are not feeling safe, it is not possible to help others feel safe.  When our amygdala is triggered, we can learn and apply processes that regulate our autonomic nervous system (ANS) to mobilise quickly, act skillfully, take care of business and return to normal.

When we are fully resourced and resilient, we can help others to feel safe.  Like the oxygen mask in the airplanes – first tend to yourself before tending to others.

How do we stay resourced and resilient?

Essentially the practices for reducing stress apply.  Here are some examples:

• Practice self awareness – become familiar with your different states and what you sense and feel when you are resting, when you feel triggered, etc.
• Establish a healthy lifestyle – through diet, exercise, rest and relaxation:  balance is the key
• Practice non-judgment and learn to allow
• Discipline and still the mind – engage in regular practices such as meditation, tai chi, yoga…
• Limit stressful intake – become disciplined about what and how you read, hear, watch: resist becoming emotionally charged and absorbed in the drama
• Spend time in joyful company
• Find ways to serve others – start ‘small’ and be patient in traffic, hold doors open for strangers, smile often …
• Regulate your breathing when you feel yourself getting stressed

The obvious benefits of helping others feel safe

When we help others to feel safe, they:

• Can be themselves and express their uniqueness
• Can connect to the wisdom of their emotions and higher intelligence
• Are more tolerant and resilient
• Are more generous of time and spirit
• Feel more self-confident and find it easier to explore new possibilities
• Are more creative and resourceful
• Can attain higher levels of engagement and performance

What’s in it for you?

The obvious benefits to us by helping others feel safe is:

• Our own health and physiology improves
• We see and experience the innate wisdom and beauty of the individual who is underneath their layers of protection
• We can have a deeper more meaningful connection with them
• They respond to us with a generous spirit
• Their creative intelligence is unleashed
• The butterfly effect* is activated in a beneficial way!

* butterfly effect – the phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere

Try this

In every moment of every day, put your focus on helping others to feel safe.  Whether they are your family, colleagues, staff, community leaders, teachers, strangers, everyone with whom you interact – focus on their safety.

How do we help others feel safe?

The competencies of emotional intelligence are naturally engaged when we shift our focus to helping others feel safe.

10 practical things you can do

1. Regulate your autonomic nervous system (ANS) – when it reacts to what it considers a threat, your body gives off signs that others consciously and unconsciously detect.  Slow deep breathing is effective, however there are many ways to bring your ANS back to homeostasis.
2. Practice non-judgment – thoughts and emotions are NOT private, so even silent judgments will be detected.
3. Never make the other person wrong – accept that their view has as much validity for them as yours does for you.
4. Accept all mistakes, disasters, catastrophes as learning opportunities.
5. Be consistent –when you are consistent, there are no surprises.
6. Always (appropriately) self-disclose.  Let others know how you are (eg. ‘feeling a little distracted because your are concerned about the outcome of …’).
7. Be congruent – do not pretend.  If you are withholding information that cannot be shared – say so.
8. Appreciate instead of praise and share with others how their behavior / effort has contributed to your well-being.  When we praise others with comments like “good job,” this puts you in a position of approval/disapproval.
9. Be vulnerable – model that it is ok to be unsure, and open to possibility.
10. Do not rescue – instead, be compassionate and assist others to find their own solutions.  When we rescue others, we are implying that they are not capable of finding their own solutions (i.e. not safe).
11. Do not give advice – for similar reasons to not rescuing UNLESS they ask for advice – in writing with at least two witnesses, and agree not to blame you when they listen to you and their life becomes a disaster!

A shift of focus

We shift perspective when we focus on other’s safety.  We are in a place of service-to-other, and lift our own consciousness.  Our world-view has expanded to include the well-being of others.  Perhaps this is a practical way to anchor peace in our lives, and let the butterfly effect do the rest?

Neuroscience explains why we can achieve more after ‘sleeping on it‘

A common experience of mine as a business consultant was that when I faced a problem where I could see no solutions, I always seemed to have a creative, workable solution after ‘sleeping on it.’  With the latest research in the discipline of neuroscience, there is not only a reason why this happens, but we can learn to consciously engage with the process that happens when we sleep on a problem to find creative solutions, make better decisions, and expand our capacity to achieve our desired goals and outcomes.

According to research in the field of neuroscience, we now know that we have three brains, and that sleep and dreaming are deeply integrative processes that allow those three brains to communicate with one another.

The three brains are:

1. Head (cephalic) brain:  the prime functions of the head brain involve the mental cognitive functions of logical thinking and include the processes of reasoning, perception and how we make meaning.
2. Heart (cardiac) brain:  the complex and elaborate neural circuitry of the heart brain allows it to function independently of the head brain and it can learn, remember, feel and sense.
3. Gut (enteric) brain: the complex and intelligent brain in the gut contains over 500 million neurons and has the equivalent size of a cat’s brain.  It exhibits plasticity and can learn, form memories, take on new behaviours and grow new neurons.

What constitutes a brain?  See below.

Each brain has a fundamentally different form of intelligence – they utilise different languages, have different goals and operate under different criteria.  So, essentially the head, heart, and gut brains have different priorities – they have different ways of processing the world, communicating, operating and addressing their own concerns and domains of expertise.

In a very general sense their prime functions and concerns can be identified as follows:

If someone is dealing with real life issues, ultimately they’ll be dealing with issues of alignment or integration of identity, safety, boundaries, meaning, courage, action, connection and values.

Herein lies the challenge for us – a mismatch between these three brains undermines resolve, causes confusion and ultimately leads to incongruent behaviours and outcomes.  We literally are sabotaging our own success.

Since the heart and gut brains communicate via a felt sense, and kinesthetic experiences, the first step is to learn their language.  Our programs with the horses naturally guide you into this new language and awareness.

Using a specific coaching model for aligning and harnessing the wisdom of the three brains you can learn and develop greater alignment of your head, heart and gut intelligences that leads ultimately to greater success in all aspects of your life.

The head brain processing relies on knowledge, past experiences, and accumulated beliefs.  However, we can’t rely on what worked/didn’t work in the past, or outdated beliefs, or even the most current and widely accepted knowledge to lead our lives and achieve our goals.  We are living in unprecedented times with rapid, revolutionary changes that require us to become adaptive – where we think holistically and inclusively, and respond effectively to our external and internal environment.  A shift is taking place worldwide – the power of the few is returning to power of the many.  This requires greater awareness, accountability, responsibility and wisdom that can be attained when we utilise all our brain intelligences.

FYI – here is what constitutes a brain

• Large numbers of neurons and ganglia, including sensory neurons and motor neurons
• Neural cells with inter-neurons; neurons interconnecting with other neurons
• Support cells and components such as glial cells, astrocytes, proteins, etc.
• Functional attributes:  perceiving/assimilating information, processing information, memory storage, and access
• Able to mediate complex reflexes via an intrinsic nervous system (i.e. doesn’t need the head brain to direct it, it functions even in the complete absence of the head brain)
• A chemical warehouse of neurotransmitters (those found in the head brain are also found in the gut and heart brains)

You can find out more at: www.mbraining.com

Why power over others can’t work

we are hard-wired to resist others’ attempts to control us

Autonomy is one of our most primal and powerful needs – from young toddlers when we want to experience more independence; to defiant children protecting our beloved independence; to teenagers rebelling against authority; and all the way into our twilight years we still cherish our autonomy – even when we are unable to care for ourselves.  And why not?  We are each sovereign beings and there is no higher authority over us than ourselves.  The U.S. Declaration of Independence says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident … that they (the people) are endowed … with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are …liberty…”   In other words, it’s a given that the right to liberty (freedom, independence, autonomy) among other rights, cannot be surrendered, sold or transferred to someone else.  We are actually hard-wired to resist anyone who tries to exert power over us.  So understandably, attempts to control others provokes resistance, resentment, rebellion, violence, and so on.

And yet, the culture of most organizations – business, community, government – including families, is still based on command-and-control norms.  Given the innate need for autonomy that each of us has, attempting to control others to comply with us is irrational, ineffective and more often than not, it achieves the opposite.

How do you know if you are operating within a command-and-control framework?  Can you accomplish your goals without using your authority, rank, or position?  If you had no power, would you still be able to operate the same way and get the results you want?

Making demands on others is a typical behavior of command-and-control leadership.  When we make demands on others, no matter how subtle, polite or discreet, we might as well be shouting, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.”   Even when we cleverly package our demand – it will be seen for what it is – a declaration that you don’t care about the other person.

At best, a demand might ‘get the job done’ in the short-term.  But what is the price?  When making demands on others, they are likely to:

-  Become resentful, resistant, and reluctant
-  Put in the minimum effort only
-  Be less innovative and resourceful
-  Undermine us later – whether consciously or not
-  Be more concerned about their own self-preservation
-  Perpetuate this style onto others
-  Not care at all about us and what matters to us

So making demands will not produce high performing teams or engaged communities.

How do we know when we have made a demand?  Even when we ask, our request could still be a demand.  One way to tell is if we experience any of the above behaviours.  Our response when the other person shows resistance is the real test.  If we react with more force, we are demanding.  However it might be hard to spot resistance in a command-and-control culture where people are accustomed to complying.

By taking an open, collaborative approach such as being curious about the other person’s needs – what is behind their resistance, understanding their perspective, they are more likely to:

-  Trust us
-  Put in more effort than we asked for
-  Fully express their ideas, creativity, and
resourcefulness
-  Be loyal and supportive
-  Learn and behave by our example
-  Care about what matters to us

It’s hard to escape the command-and-control leadership style’s historic influence and dominance, but we can make a positive change by becoming consciously aware of the times we assume and use authority over others, and treating their views as relevant.

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