The other day while I was in a meeting, I shifted my awareness to the facial expressions of the group members. What I notices was vast differences of emotional expression that included curiosity, amusement, confusions, enthusiasm, frustration, and agitation. I realised I didn’t have to hear what was being said to know how each person was feeling about the discussion. I was surprised at how much our expressions reveal!
According to renowned psychologist, Paul Ekman – expert on facial expressions, and author of Emotions Revealed, our emotions are not private! Even when we make a concerted effort to squelch our expressions, some trace of our emotions is likely to leak out and be detected. In fact, scientists have demonstrated that trying to hide emotion not only raises our blood pressure, but this increased tension unconsciously affects those around us.
The problem is that we, as a culture are not particularly emotionally fluent. That is, not only do we suppress the expression of certain emotions – and maybe most emotions when in a work environment – but often we don’t even know what we are feeling from moment to moment.
While others may not be able to name our specific emotion, they can quickly and (often) accurately make a judgment about us – at least in general terms – such as are we comfortable, or safe to be around. And when we act inconsistently with our emotions – say we are leading a new change initiative and are ‘privately’ doubtful that we will deliver the results expected, people don’t trust us. They observe one message, but perceive another.
The significance of this is obvious – as leaders, parents, employees, small business owners, professionals, politicians (!!!)… At best, others treat us with caution, and at worst, others respond to us through mistrust, resentment, disillusionment or perhaps abandonment. If we want others to trust us we must align our inner expression with our outer expression.
At Free Rein Australia we are reminded of this every day. Horses see emotions for what they are – information. As prey animals, it behooves them to interpret and act on all information about their environment for the sake of their survival. They reflect our emotions and make them obvious to us. And their comfort level is directly proportional to our level of congruence. Fortunately they give us feedback without filters. And while their memories are second only to the elephant, they don’t hold grudges. This means we can practice new behaviours without consequences!
In our workshops leaders can see themselves the way others see them; teams can break down barriers and build trust; individuals can see how their unconscious beliefs and behaviours block their own progress.
What can you do right now?
Build your own emotional fluency. Throughout the day, ask yourself – “what is the emotion I am feeling right now?” See the list below to get you started!
· Align your outer expression (words and actions) with your inner expression. Ask yourself, “How am I expressing (or not) this emotion?”
· Pay as much attention to the emotions of others (outer expressions) as you do to what they are actually saying.
The following list may be useful to develop your literacy in the language of emotions.
EMOTIONAL FLUENCY
Some emotions we all have when our needs are NOT fulfilled
Afraid
Apprehensive, Concern, Dread, Fearful, Foreboding, Frightened, Mistrustful, Panicked, Petrified, Scared, Suspicious, Terrified, Wary, Worried
Angry
Enraged, Furious, Incensed, Indignant, Irate, Livid, Outraged, Resentful
Annoyed
Aggravated, Dismayed, Disgruntled, Displeased Exasperated, Frustrated, Impatient, Irked, Irritated
Aversion
Animosity, Appalled, Contempt, Disgusted, Dislike, Hate, Horrified, Hostile, Repulsed
Confused
Ambivalent, Baffled, Bewildered, Dazed, Hesitant, Lost, Mystified, Perplexed, Puzzled, Torn
Disconnected
Alienated, Aloof, Apathetic, Bored, Cold, Detached, Distant, Distracted, Indifferent, Numb, Removed, Uninterested, Withdrawn
Disquiet
Agitated, Alarmed, Disconcerted, Disturbed, Perturbed, Rattled, Restless, Shocked, Startled, Surprised, Troubled, In turmoil, Uncomfortable, Uneasy, Unnerved, Unsettled, Upset
Embarrassed
Ashamed, Chagrined, Flustered, Mortified, Self-conscious
Fatigue
Beat, Burnt out, Depleted, Exhausted, Lethargic, Listless, Sleepy, Tired, Weary, Worn out, Zapped
Pain
Agony, Anguished, Bereaved, Devastated, Grief, Heartbroken, Hurt, Lonely, Miserable, Regretful, Remorseful
Sad
Depressed, Dejected, Despair, Despondent, Disappointed, Discouraged, Disheartened, Forlorn, Gloomy, Heavy-hearted, Hopeless, Melancholy, Unhappy, Wretched
Tense
Anxious, Bitter, Contracted, Cranky, Distressed, Distraught, Edgy, Fidgety, Frazzled, Irritable, Jittery, Nervous, Overwhelmed, Restless, Worried
Vulnerable
Fragile, Guarded, Helpless, Insecure, Leery, Reserved, Sensitive, Shaky
Yearning
Envious, Jealous, Longing, Nostalgic, Pining, Wistful
Some emotions we all have when our needs ARE fulfilled
Affectionate
Compassionate, Connected, Friendly, Loving, Openhearted, Sympathetic, Tender, Warm
Confident
Empowered, Open, Proud, Safe, Secure
Engaged
Absorbed, Alert, Curious, Engrossed, Enchanted, Entranced
Excited
Amazed, Animated, Ardent, Aroused, Astonished, Dazzled, Eager, Energetic, Enthusiastic, Giddy, Invigorated, Lively, Passionate, Surprised, Vibrant
Exhilarated
Blissful, Ecstatic, Elated, Enthralled, Exuberant
Grateful
Appreciated, Moved, Thankful, Touched
Hopeful
Expansive, Expectant, Encouraged, Optimistic
Inspired
Amazed, Awed, Radiant, Rapturous, Thrilled, Wonder
Interested
Fascinated, Intrigued, Involved, Spellbound, Stimulated
Joyful
Amused, Delighted, Glad, Happy, Jubilant, Pleased, Tickled
Peaceful
Calm, Clear headed, Comfortable, Centered, Content, Fulfilled, Mellow, Relaxed, Relieved, Satisfied, Serene
Refreshed
Enlivened, Rejuvenated, Renewed, Rested, Restored, Revived
Still
Quiet, Tranquil, Trusting