How neurobiology can enhance our emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a complex set of competencies, and according to learning experts, “developing these competencies usually involves a long and sometimes difficult process requiring much practice and support.”

However, given what we now know about our neurobiology, we can direct our focus onto a single, critical point that automatically engages our emotional intelligence skills which leads to more creativity, higher performance, improved health, and more fulfilling relationships in all aspects of our lives! In a nutshell, we can and must become sensitive and responsive to our need for safety, and focus on how we can contribute to others’ safety.

Safety is more than the absence of physical danger

Safety also relates to our ability to have choice, our sense of belonging, our need for contribution and sense of self-worth, our need for affection, and so on. According to Dr. Stephen Porges, author and Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and the Director of the Brain-Body Center in the College of Medicine at the University of Illinois, “the human nervous system is on a quest for safety, and we use others to help us feel safe.”

Our brains are wired for vigilance

There is a part of the brain, the amygdala that acts as a sentinel, continuously scanning our environment 24/7 for threats. It is our ancient hair trigger that immediately signals another part of our brain at the smallest sign of a threat, which then creates a cascade of bio-chemicals to heighten our awareness and energise our bodies in the ﬁght, ﬂight, or freeze response. The amygdala functions the same way today as it did ten thousand years ago. It doesn’t differentiate between physical threats and perceived, symbolic threats. Social threats trigger it in the exact same way predators triggered it in the past.

For many of us, perceived threats occur on a daily basis. It could be a disgruntled customer, a disagreement with a spouse, an unexpected bill, an unfavourable performance review …

When the amygdala fires, the brain reprioritises information, and shifts its focus on the perceived threat which mobilises us to act. In this state of response, our focus is narrowed, and our other ‘non-essential’ faculties are diminished. For example our digestive system is compromised. The body is not interested in digesting when it might be the one that gets digested!

Safety starts with us

If we are not feeling safe, it is not possible to help others feel safe. When our amygdala is triggered, we can learn and apply processes that regulate our autonomic nervous system (ANS) to mobilise quickly, act skillfully, take care of business and return to normal.

When we are fully resourced and resilient, we can help others to feel safe. Like the oxygen mask in the airplanes – first tend to yourself before tending to others.

How do we stay resourced and resilient?

Essentially the practices for reducing stress apply. Here are some examples:

Practice self awareness – become familiar with your different states and what you sense and feel when you are resting, when you feel triggered, etc.
Establish a healthy lifestyle – through diet, exercise, rest and relaxation: balance is the key
Practice non-judgment and learn to allow
Discipline and still the mind – engage in regular practices such as meditation, tai chi, yoga…
Limit stressful intake – become disciplined about what and how you read, hear, watch: resist becoming emotionally charged and absorbed in the drama
Spend time in joyful company
Find ways to serve others – start ‘small’ and be patient in traffic, hold doors open for strangers, smile often …
Regulate your breathing when you feel yourself getting stressed

The obvious benefits of helping others feel safe

When we help others to feel safe, they:

Can be themselves and express their uniqueness
Can connect to the wisdom of their emotions and higher intelligence
Are more tolerant and resilient
Are more generous of time and spirit
Feel more self-confident and find it easier to explore new possibilities
Are more creative and resourceful
Can attain higher levels of engagement and performance

What’s in it for you?

The obvious benefits to us by helping others feel safe is:

Our own health and physiology improves
We see and experience the innate wisdom and beauty of the individual who is underneath their layers of protection
We can have a deeper more meaningful connection with them
They respond to us with a generous spirit
Their creative intelligence is unleashed
The butterfly effect* is activated in a beneficial way!

* butterfly effect – the phenomenon whereby a small change at one place in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere

Try this

In every moment of every day, put your focus on helping others to feel safe. Whether they are your family, colleagues, staff, community leaders, teachers, strangers, everyone with whom you interact – focus on their safety.

How do we help others feel safe?

The competencies of emotional intelligence are naturally engaged when we shift our focus to helping others feel safe.

10 practical things you can do

Regulate your autonomic nervous system (ANS) – when it reacts to what it considers a threat, your body gives off signs that others consciously and unconsciously detect. Slow deep breathing is effective, however there are many ways to bring your ANS back to homeostasis.
Practice non-judgment – thoughts and emotions are NOT private, so even silent judgments will be detected.
Never make the other person wrong – accept that their view has as much validity for them as yours does for you.
Accept all mistakes, disasters, catastrophes as learning opportunities.
Be consistent –when you are consistent, there are no surprises.
Always (appropriately) self-disclose. Let others know how you are (eg. ‘feeling a little distracted because your are concerned about the outcome of …’).
Be congruent – do not pretend. If you are withholding information that cannot be shared – say so.
Appreciate instead of praise and share with others how their behavior / effort has contributed to your well-being. When we praise others with comments like “good job,” this puts you in a position of approval/disapproval.
Be vulnerable – model that it is ok to be unsure, and open to possibility.
Do not rescue – instead, be compassionate and assist others to find their own solutions. When we rescue others, we are implying that they are not capable of finding their own solutions (i.e. not safe).
Do not give advice – for similar reasons to not rescuing UNLESS they ask for advice – in writing with at least two witnesses, and agree not to blame you when they listen to you and their life becomes a disaster!

A shift of focus

We shift perspective when we focus on other’s safety. We are in a place of service-to-other, and lift our own consciousness. Our world-view has expanded to include the well-being of others. Perhaps this is a practical way to anchor peace in our lives, and let the butterfly effect do the rest?